she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
