Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
