i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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