Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
