you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize