I need to stop coming to work sober
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
