I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
