i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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