This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
