shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
