curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
