The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
