when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
