He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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