The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
