Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Still dying that you shit outside
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
