If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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