Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
