Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
