Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
