The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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