I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
