We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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