I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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