Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
