note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
