roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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