someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
