# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
