The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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