i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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