I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize
