You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
