I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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