and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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