What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
