I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dick very happy bro
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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