You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
