I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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