I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize