Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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