Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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