Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
