I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
