You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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