Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
