I puked a lego.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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