its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize