All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
