I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
