Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
