my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
