The maid of honor just puked.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
