Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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