omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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