i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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