You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We had to coat check the pizza.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
